Saturday, May 22, 2010
Well, I had no reason or felt as if I had no time really to be a mommy-blogger, it was a new territory where I had never imagined venturing in my life, especially since a year ago..I was told that I would not be able to have any bambinos.
I had gone to the doctor since I had never gotten preggers (and just wanted to check out the netherlands) and was informed (quite callously) I might add that I, in fact, would not be able to conceive. Dr. Not So Nice then told me to give blood every 28 days and she also ran some tests for something called, Polysystic Ovarian Disorder". So, I left Dr. Not So Nice's office and hoped to never see her again and promptly went home, drank a bottle of wine and did what no-one should ever do when they are told they are "being tested" for something"...I googled it. Hence, the maniacal and needless to say maudlin calls at 2:00 in the morning back east telling everyone that I had a rare disease that would turn me into a hobbit.
The next morning, I settled down and had a sober conversation with my level-headed fiance (who we will call M), who expressed dissatisfaction with Dr. Not So Nice and claimed that she did not know what she was talking about. I, of course wanted to believe him, but I had nightmares for weeks about it..until the tests came back negative. I did have to go every month to give blood though and nothing was more deflating than getting that yellow paper in the mail with the doctor's messy message handwritten in red (like I failed some sort of important test) which read, "No ovulation". Nothing else, like..."keep trying", "maybe next time". Nothing. I, of course made light of it and told everyone that it is what I had suspected all along-- I was a gay man in a woman's body ...and I had the dancing shoes to prove it.
Until one fine day....as I was sitting at house, in our bed thinking that I had a tumor since I was always so tired, faint and nauseated. I didn't even give pregnancy a thought. I had even went to my regualar doc (Dr. P) and told her that she neeeded to up my thyroid medication because I was so tired all the time. I remember getting up, and making everyone breakfast, sending the on their way to school and work and I creeping back into bed, exhausted. It just wasn't right. Then Dr. P asked, "are you depressed"? I retorted with a firm, "No". Then I burst into tears for no reason. Great, I thought to myself mabey be I am losing it---hitting my mid-life crisis?? Doc P, then asked the most ridic question of all..."are you pregnant?" I scoffed at her ignorance and laughed as I told her, "Hon, I don't even ovulate".
One year and 3 months later...I have a healthy, handsome 6 month old, 20 lb baby boy and as I say to everyone I have worked with or known in the past..."It is the best thing that I have ever done". Period. I was blessed. Blessed because at 30-ishhhh--I thought I had missed my opportunity--I had never been pregnant and I thought it just wasn't meant to be.
But, when Dr. Not So Nice told me I could not have a baby--I think something changed. I think I quit thinking about it so much and released it. That or I think my Gramma B (bless her heart) went straight up to those pearly gates upon her arrival and demanded an audience with the Big Guy and upon meeting him made a clear case that she wanted for her Granddaughter--Tamz to have a baby. And if you knew my Gramma B you know--you just always did what she said.
Whatever the case may be...little Rocky is here and why do I have time to write about it now? Oddly enough, it's due to my feet.
You see, my tootsies have always hurt but during my pregnancy--the pain quadrupled. I thought they were going to give out---I imagined that they were just going to crumble into itty bitty peices. I was in so much pain and people just thought I was exagerrating a bit. But, by Rocky's 3rd month of his amazing life--my feet were still going numb and I could tell something wasn't right. So, I went to the podiatrist and he said, NO WONDER. I had/have "flying first ray". Sounds like a christian rock band to me--which meant that I needed surgery on both feet immediately.
Therefore, now I have the time to write because of my effed up feet. I had to make a good thing out of something scary.
I had the surgery a couple of days ago---and now, I"m in bed for 2 months. This is a whole new chapter in my mommy life..... joining Mommy-Blogger-hood. This is exciting for me, especially since I just moved to Marin one year ago and don't know many other mommy's. For me this will be a new way for me to gather information and connect with other mommy's all over cyberspace!
The tough part for me know is to be confined to bed. I listen as Doc Moc takes care of Rocky and it kills me...not to be able to help. I know his cries, I know what he likes, the music he prefers, but at the same time it is good for me to let go and allow M\ to be the Dad (and he's a great one!) He is such an incredible father--this is one of the very reasons I fell in love with him--he has 2 beautiful daughters Pickle(8) and Bunny (12) whom he loves endlessly. I love them just as much and they have been amazing with Rocky.
So---I'll figure this whole blogger thing out and get a little better at it, hopefully with time. I have kept a diary for baby Rocky since he was born so this will be a great project to do in conjuction with that, I think. It could allow me a place to vent, I'm surmising. A place where I can go and have a good time.
I don't know about you but after I became pregnant--my phone didn't ring as much and suddenly I felt like I didn't get as many emails (at least not scandolous ones). LIke I wasn't cool anymore! I thought, my goodness how can this happen? I know they say, it happens once you get married and when you have children and Hey, I love spending all my time with Rocky, but it is nice to have normal(and not so normal) conversations with adults now and then.
I"m not sure if I have to have a point today. But, it's nice to feel like I can do and say whatever I feel and not to have to worry about pleasing anyone. I mean-- if someone doesn't like it--they can quit reading, right?
I'm off to elevate my leg. Check you mamas/papas/chicas/homies/honeys out later.
peace & light